‘Ma, bila ayah balik?’
Wanmuna menoleh. Mata terjegil tidak percaya.
‘Dah lama Aiman tak tanya soalan ni. Aiman tau kan ayah kat mana sekarang?’
Benar. Aiman tidak pernah bertanya mana pergi ayahnya dari dahulu lagi. Pernah juga dia melawat ayahnya sewaktu belajar dahulu. Itupun selepas dipelawa. Lebih menghairankan adalah soalan Aiman iitu. Seolah-olah dia lupa yang ayahnya selalu pulang ke rumah pada bila-bila masa.
Wanmuna duduk merapati Aiman yang sedang menghirup secawan air coklat bancuh. Anaknya juga jarang bertandang menjenguknya sejak menjadi warga laut. Kalau boleh dia mahukan anaknya bekerja seperti orang lain dari Isnin hingga Jumaat dan hari minggunya bercuti. Mudah. Jadual sudah teratur.
‘Aiman ok ke tak ni?’
Aiman tidak menghabiskan ayatnya. Dia kembali menghirup minuman dan meneguknya bagai meneguk pasir.
‘Ma, Ma menyesal tak kahwin dengan ayah? Bukan apa Ma… Ma dulu pernah cerita yang Ma ada juga orang lain. Cuma masa tu ayah yang approach dulu...’
Soalan maut kepada seorang ibu yang mendapat title ibu tunggal tidak rasmi. Jika soalan ini dari anaknya yang belum baligh, mahu juga dia menemplak. Tetapi soalan ini dari anaknya yang sudah makan garam sepertinya. Wanmuna hanya mendiamkan diri. Dia tahu yang anaknya mahu membincangkan sesuatu yang bermain di fikirannya. Cuma gaya approach yang agak unorthodox.
‘Ma tak menyesal.’
‘Tapi dia buat kita macam ni Ma. And… yang minat Ma dulu tak datang tunjuk muka ke Tok masa tempoh bagi jawapan ?
‘Dia masa tu takde keje tetap… Rasa tak semenggah nak mengadap Tok.’
‘Ma rasa dia menyesal tak sebab tak at least cuba?’
Wanmuna terdiam sekali lagi. ‘Entahlah’ adalah jawapan dari mulutnya. Akan tetapi secara jujurnya, dia ada sedikit kecewa dengan takdir. Jika manusia empunya kuasa melihat masa depan, sudah tentu dia akan bermati-matian untuk tidak berkahwin dengan lelaki yang sentiasa menghilang tiada khabar berita. Apakan daya, hanya cerita fantasi sahaja yang wujud keadaan sebegitu. Jikalau wujud juga, maka Aiman yang dia sayangi dengan sepenuh hatinya tidak akan wujud.
Dalam fikiran Aiman pula berlainan. Dia lebih memahami perasaan orang yang tidak datang tampil menyatakan cintanya pada Ma kepada Tok, ayah ibunya. Mentaliti masyarakat walau fasih mengucap dua kalimah syahadah, tapi tuhan mereka tetap pada agung. Sejenis kertas pelbagai warna yang bercetak nombor dan jejaka orang bertengkolok. Agung ini menjadi kayu ukur asas untuk penentuan kasta dalam masyarakat, walhal hakikatnya darah dan jantung manusia berwarna merah. Cuma intipati hati sahaja yang membezakan.
‘Aiman, dengar sini Ma nak cakap. Hidup ini memang kita boleh rancang tapi perancangan kita hanya perancangan di atas kertas sahaja. Bukan kita yang kawal. Boleh jadi realiti yang kita hadapi sekarang ni, adalah satu keadaan yang kita tak suka. Kalau dah jadii macam tu, sabar dan kita mesti terus hidup, ok?’
Realiti. Sememangnya mudah untuk berkata kita perlu pijak di bumi yang nyata. Akan tetapi keraskah bumi itu untuk kaki membentuk kuda-kuda menanggung derita duniawi dan tanggungjawab tanpa muka ini tersembam gagal? Dalam alam realiti, Aiman terpaksa mengharung arus segala perkara yang tidak dirancang. Dia pulang dengan ijazah namun menganggur akibat sijilnya tidak laku. Bahana menjadi bahan eksperimen pendidikan.
Aiman hanya diam. Diam tanda setuju hanya valid untuk perempuan kerana lelaki memang tak banyak cakap.
Sejurus bersalaman dengan ibunya, Aiman bertolak dengan motor kapcainya ke Sungai Besar. Bakul motornya terisi tali getah untuk mengikat. Selalu sahaja dia pulang ke Shah Alam dengan gaya seorang singh bawa tong susu berikat di belakang motor. Cuma ia berganti dengan kerepek berguni-guni.
But bro, the past made you. You can’t look away from the past. Dah jadi macam kacang lupakan kulit
Benar. Aku setuju. Tapi aku perlu hidup dalam realiti
Tapi ada 2 wayang lama yang perlu kau selesaikan kan?Kau lupa cerita masa kau balik 17 Ogos dulu?Kau tak bengang yang selama nih tergantung? Macam-macam bahana kau rasa masa kau menganggur, baru sekarang nak offer balik?
Oh ye satu lagi… Wayang perdana kau yang sampai la ni tergantung.. hehe.
26 June 2011
Aiman tidak dapat tidur malam. Fikiran runsing tidak tentu hala. Dia sendiri tidak tahu apa puncanya. Pasal kerja? Tidak mungkin. Dia antara pekerja sementara yang clean sheet setiap minggu. Semuanya selesai sebelum punch pulang.
Lama juga dia berteleku di hujung katil merunduk kepala menongkat dahi. Otaknya ligat mencari-cari punca kerunsingan dan kegundahan hati. Sunyi malam dan orkestra cengkerik sedikit pun tidka membantu.
Its about your ghost. Your love. You need the ultimatum. Your stalking addicton seems have won you over tonight.
Aiman membuka laptopnya lalu menulis sebuah email peminta kata putus pada Aishah.
The reason I’m writing to you is to apologize and, if possible, to get the opportunity to have an open discussion about us. From my humble heart, please do take your time to digest through this email, it is rather long.
I choose to confront again into this matter because I felt responsible with the promises that we made during our time in the past. Forgive of my egoistic behavior in the past for turning away upon this matter. I know I’m rather a little too late for this, but somehow, I feel I still have a chance, at least, to clear up things that are left unsaid.
Along these years, I’ve been thinking the reason why I can’t move on like anybody else. The reason was the most precious thing that you thought me, to have a human heart.
Yeah, I know, It sound like I made it up all this time, but trust me, I do have a problem with my heart before we met up.Do you still remember that I didn’t have a good term with my dad before? Thanks to you, right now I could appreciate the presence of my dad in the family.
A couple of weeks ago, I met up with our Math teacher. I don’t know how the conversation ended up with her asking about me and you. And somehow she told me that you had always liked me during our SPM time She could tell it by only looking at you during her tuition class. She also added (and I believe that she exaggerated), that you came to tuition only because of me.
Well, she did say that I need to speed things up and confess my feelings to you. Clearly she didn’t know what happen after SPM…
I did ask her about did she observe us during last years raya open house. She did saw us talking with cold manner. Then she suddenly said that maybe, your perspective and choices only limited to the person around you, and changed when we are off from high school. So most likely, you had found someone better than me after all these years. (ouch..)
Come to think of it, her words maybe true…
Is it the reason why you asked me to let you go in the first place? If it is true, I’m truly glad. I’ve agreed with your decision because I don’t want to be your batu penghalang to see the world and the people around you. Plus, I’m not yet your husband on that moment. So who am I to stop you… Even though it was a painful decision, but I know it was the best for you. That’s why, I vowed to win back your heart fair and square with other guys around you.
Sadly, I didn’t do a great job on it… I have only a few weeks holiday each during my studies abroad, and only a few days that I could only see you and entertain you due to your classes. Not that I’m complaining, but that the reality that I faced.
I did ask around our friends about the main reason that you decide to have a break. Everyone didn’t give a clear answer.I do look back during our time, during our long distance relationship, trying to figure out the mistake that I have done.
I did give you the full attention that you need… I still remember the day that you crying badly, claiming that you misplaced your contacts and forget whether it was still in your eyes or not. It was August… I remembered it because I moved to a new place to the same day and I was panicking searching for public phones to call you.
I still remember that I took up the decision, asking you not to SMS or call me due to expensive rate to contact a person from oversea. Yeah, you were only at matrix and still a student back then. I can’t ask you much since you did not have any allowance.
Oh yes.. you are the type that scared to use public transport alone right? I also remember that you told me during one night that a friend of yours from matrix Melaka accompanied you back home by komuter.
At least, my girl is save in a good hand, so I was ok to let you do it each time you journeyed back home from Gopeng.But then it seems those to decision somehow self-destruct. Months after that, I felt abandoned… I felt our relationship became one –sided…
It was April the following year, things get crucial for both of us, either love or education.
I still remembered that I made a stupid and desperate action to gain back your attention. Well, I was assuming that you think I wasn’t sincere to love you.
So I made a false confession.
I confessed that a lot of things that I do for you is to made to tied-up with me, so you couldn’t runway from me.
And I still remembered, you said thanks for being sincere.
On may 2006, I felt more abandoned... I waited for your effort to call or a short sms wishing me my birthday. My heart sank. But I still have patience even though I became passive during my class and berendam air mata on the evening. Guess I have a soft side after all.
Things getting uglier on early June.. I still remembered that you ask me for a call. During the call, you cried upon you best friend (a guy friend) of yours who were going for his navy days. I know, I should support you and comfort you. But the feeling of being push aside and neglected overwhelmed me.
I instantly felt betrayed.
During that summer holidays, I vowed to clears thing up for the sake of our promised future.
But then, when you asked me to let you go and start all over again on early august 2007. Again I felt betrayed. I assumed that you have someone else other than me.
I was thinking of running away from this matter, but I decide to confront you on the fated day of 17th August 2007.
Surprised that I remembered all?
Yes, Aishah, I remembered every single thing about us during our time… the day that we brought together my favourite hat… the day that you dozed and fell off you bed duirng midnight calls. The day I surprised you with a locket… the day I surprised you with a cheap ring with our theme song ‘magically’ played in the complex?
Yeah.. those wonderful days..
Sad it was years ago and didn’t continue till now.
I know that I’m, somehow, obsess with you even after we broke up…
I do keep on stalking when we are on Friendster. Whenever I missed you, I watch at ur testimony..Trying to know whats happening around you and who is your (possible) new boyfriend and stuff… Sometimes, for certain shout outs you made, I presumed it was for me.
Creepy.. I know… and surprisingly, I kept on doing on Facebook era too. Forgive me of doing this. That’s why I’ve decided to unfriend you on facebook. To stop myself from doing this. I hope you understand.
Sentiasa ada hikmah dengan apa yang berlaku. The event of we broke up was fated. But my love to you didn’t stop there.
I don’t know whether there was a 2nd reason… You told me that a relationship dirtied by holding hands aren’t last long. Is it that you found out that actually couple is something forbidden in islam?
If that also the reason, I’m very glad that you found it out first, and you made the decision to save us both.
It is because, months later after we broke off, I found out that couple is forbidden. I didn’t know what would happen if we were still in a relationship back then. Maybe I’ll be in the state of denial, didn’t have a strong heart to make a harsh yet wise decision to save us both, even though I know about the truth.
Yes Aisha’, Allah heard our pray. Remember the favourite line of yours of the poem that I gave you?
‘Dear god, hear our pray
Bless us both, and heaven we stay’
Maybe Allah really taking care of us both, didn’t want any maksiat between us..
You know, during my time at France, I’ve learned a lot of things concerning heart and faith. It is something that I really want to share with you. Because it is a way to have a wonderful blessed life as a Muslim.
Yes, I was hoping that, if we had a jodoh, I want to bring out the best from you as a muslimah. I know it sound rather typical from a guy, but it is not a joke.
An individu muslim is a person who practices the teaching of god and the prophet’s sunnah in his/her daily lives. Eventually, they’ll get married and create a baitul muslim, where love between them is for God.
The wife knows that her husband will be responsible, caring, does not cheat because he fear of God
And the husband knows that his wife will be a loving person, understanding, and supportive because she does it in the name of God. They surely meet up again in heaven, living as a happy couple forever..
It worries me to see you changing every single day. The environment and the world really hit hard on you. Somehow you are different from the person I knew at KL central walking towards the bus to Gopeng…
And I felt the responsibility to guide you back… if you give me the chance.
Last year, I did ask your best friend whether you have or not a slightest hint of still loving me. If there was, I’ve prepared myself to meet up your parents. But she said, it might not present… So it seems I’m facing a closed door.
I’m sorry for any wrong doings that I have done to you. Could you forgive me Aishah’?
All I want is a direct answer from you, whether or not I could fulfill my promised made to you before. I’m serious about our relationship. And I’m ready for an open discussion for a definite answer from you
Thank you for having the time to read this email. Looking forward for your response.
Always sincerely loving you,
Mata Aiman bergenang namun dibiarkan sahaja. Tangannya masih pejap memegang handle minyak kapchainya untuk ke Sungai Besar. Dia yakin visor helmetnya yang tinted ala kadar itu dapat menutup wajah buruk seorang lelaki yang sedang menahan sedih. Dia mengaku dia mempunyai masalah menghafal apa juga teks. Akan tetapi email yang dia tulisnya dahulu tersemat jelas dalam bank memori otaknya.
Fikirannya kembali bercelaru memikirkan hal lama. Akhirnya dia mengambil keputusan untuk berhenti di sebuah stesen minyak yang tak berapa jauh dari kompleks beli-belah Setia Alam. Jam baru menunjukkan pukul sepuluh pagi. Hatinya terlintas untuk melaksanakan solat sunat dhuha.
Baru sahaja dia mematikan engin, matanya menangkap raut wajah yang amat dia kenali keluar dari pintu kedai serbaneka. Fikirannya terus kosong, perutnya melonjak dan hatinya bergetar magnitud 8!